What Do I Say Now...

Best Friend,

Lauren. I miss you. And not just in the average, long time no see kinda way. I miss you in the way that my heart aches any time I think of ANYTHING that can remotely link back to you. I feel like going on with life right now is all a big show. Like I just do it because that is what is expected. I mean what other choice do I have? But it makes me feel like the biggest fraud. Because I don't want to take another step in my life without you. I want to go back to when you were with me. By my side. This isn't fair. There are so many things going through my day that in a quick second I think -note to self tell Lauren about _____- and then I realize that I can't. Not remotely. I know that I can tell you anything now but it isn't the same at all. I don't have you here to laugh with me, cry with me, just be with me. I look back now and realize how easily I took advantage of having you there, always, whenever I just needed someone. I never thanked you enough, or told you that out of everyone in my life, I always knew that you wouldn't let me down. Every part of you was so good. You were kind and amazing and funny and beautiful. You let people in, you knew how to forgive, and even how to forget. You loved. And I loved you. I can't watch a funeral scene in a movie without crying. I can't see Shia, or Annasophia, or anything remotely South Park, without thinking of how we loved them so much. I have two of the same exact twilight poster simply because I can't get rid of the extra one, since it was the last present you ever gave me. I dont even know if I can open it because I'm afraid something will happen to it. I can't go a day without saying your name, or seeing your face in my head, or dying to hear your voice. The majority of the songs I hear always relate back to you, whether the lyrics, or us both loving the band, or hating the band. I feel like everything I ever knew about life went out the window. I dont understand God's reasoning for this. People say he just wanted you earlier, but thats not a good enough reason for me. It still doesn't make this pain I feel everyday tear me apart any less... I just feel this gaping hole in my life where you should be. Memories aren't enough. Pictures aren't enough. Nothing. There is nothing in this world that will be enough to ever make me okay again. I will be broken for the rest of my life without you. Its just learning to go on with the pieces that I need to figure out. Please baby girl help me stay strong. Help me breathe. Help me try and live. Because I dont know if I can do this on my own. I need you back.... however selfish it may be. I love you. For the rest of eternity. Forever and a day. EEW < you know what it means. For ever. I promise you that.

"I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything, everything I need

Explore the cave that is my chest
A torch reveals there's nothing left
Your whispers echo off the walls
And you can hear my distant calls
The voice of who I used to be
Screaming out "someone, someone please
Please shine a light into the black
Wade through the depths and bring me back"

--Sammimantha