Best Friend,
Lauren. I miss you. And not just in the average, long time no see kinda way. I miss you in the way that my heart aches any time I think of ANYTHING that can remotely link back to you. I feel like going on with life right now is all a big show. Like I just do it because that is what is expected. I mean what other choice do I have? But it makes me feel like the biggest fraud. Because I don't want to take another step in my life without you. I want to go back to when you were with me. By my side. This isn't fair. There are so many things going through my day that in a quick second I think -note to self tell Lauren about _____- and then I realize that I can't. Not remotely. I know that I can tell you anything now but it isn't the same at all. I don't have you here to laugh with me, cry with me, just be with me. I look back now and realize how easily I took advantage of having you there, always, whenever I just needed someone. I never thanked you enough, or told you that out of everyone in my life, I always knew that you wouldn't let me down. Every part of you was so good. You were kind and amazing and funny and beautiful. You let people in, you knew how to forgive, and even how to forget. You loved. And I loved you. I can't watch a funeral scene in a movie without crying. I can't see Shia, or Annasophia, or anything remotely South Park, without thinking of how we loved them so much. I have two of the same exact twilight poster simply because I can't get rid of the extra one, since it was the last present you ever gave me. I dont even know if I can open it because I'm afraid something will happen to it. I can't go a day without saying your name, or seeing your face in my head, or dying to hear your voice. The majority of the songs I hear always relate back to you, whether the lyrics, or us both loving the band, or hating the band. I feel like everything I ever knew about life went out the window. I dont understand God's reasoning for this. People say he just wanted you earlier, but thats not a good enough reason for me. It still doesn't make this pain I feel everyday tear me apart any less... I just feel this gaping hole in my life where you should be. Memories aren't enough. Pictures aren't enough. Nothing. There is nothing in this world that will be enough to ever make me okay again. I will be broken for the rest of my life without you. Its just learning to go on with the pieces that I need to figure out. Please baby girl help me stay strong. Help me breathe. Help me try and live. Because I dont know if I can do this on my own. I need you back.... however selfish it may be. I love you. For the rest of eternity. Forever and a day. EEW < you know what it means. For ever. I promise you that.
"I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything, everything I need
Explore the cave that is my chest
A torch reveals there's nothing left
Your whispers echo off the walls
And you can hear my distant calls
The voice of who I used to be
Screaming out "someone, someone please
Please shine a light into the black
Wade through the depths and bring me back"
--Sammimantha
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Staring into Emptiness...
Best Friend,
So, work today was...weird. To start off, I would catch myself wasting minutes at a time just staring off into space. Several of the times I was caught by someone who then says "Sam, what are you staring at?" and then I would in turn reply "I'm not staring I'm thinking." ... I'll give you one guess what I was thinking about. Lauren, you never leave my thoughts. I walk home and think of a boy situation or something and my immediate thought is to call you and get your opinion, and then reality sinks in and its like another blow to my broken heart. I lost my confidante. There were so many secrets I had that I know stayed with you, and will always be between us. And you will never know how much that trust meant to me. To know that I could tell you anything and you would never betray me. Never let me down. Because that is just who you were Hun. I just look at your pictures, and can't grasp the idea that there won't be another album of you and I popping up somewhere. I feel like there's so much more we should have done. So many times I should have come over and just been with you. I just wish that maybe if I had done even the tiniest thing different I wouldn't be here today, alone, without the biggest part of my life. But every single wish I make is completely useless and that hurts to know more than anything else. Every thought, prayer, and hope won't bring you back and it's so frustrating to me. Why am I so powerless... WHY. I remember crying during Bridge to Terabithia thinking how sad it must have been for him to lose his best friend, and I was so mad because you talked me into watching it. And here I am. Never watching that did I know how much this would hurt. There is the biggest hole. And although I will always love you. I feel like there is so much lost. There was so much left for you to do. So much for us to do together... I feel like there is no direction to anything now. Why does this all seem to be getting harder as the days go on. As my heart finally catches up with my mind on realizing you won't be calling me back... No recording, no video, no pictures will ever capture the beauty of you. The sound of your voice cracking when you wanted your way and it got too high pitched. The way you smiled with more grace and happiness that anyone who has walked the Earth before you. You are my guardian angel. My saving grace. My everything. I love you for eternity. I miss you baby girl... I have a secret and I'll whisper it to you tonight before I fall asleep. <3 SoLo forever.
"Take the very breath you gave me
Take the heart from my chest
I'll gladly take her place if you'll let me
Make this my last request
Take me out of this world
God, please... dont take the girl"
--Sammimantha
So, work today was...weird. To start off, I would catch myself wasting minutes at a time just staring off into space. Several of the times I was caught by someone who then says "Sam, what are you staring at?" and then I would in turn reply "I'm not staring I'm thinking." ... I'll give you one guess what I was thinking about. Lauren, you never leave my thoughts. I walk home and think of a boy situation or something and my immediate thought is to call you and get your opinion, and then reality sinks in and its like another blow to my broken heart. I lost my confidante. There were so many secrets I had that I know stayed with you, and will always be between us. And you will never know how much that trust meant to me. To know that I could tell you anything and you would never betray me. Never let me down. Because that is just who you were Hun. I just look at your pictures, and can't grasp the idea that there won't be another album of you and I popping up somewhere. I feel like there's so much more we should have done. So many times I should have come over and just been with you. I just wish that maybe if I had done even the tiniest thing different I wouldn't be here today, alone, without the biggest part of my life. But every single wish I make is completely useless and that hurts to know more than anything else. Every thought, prayer, and hope won't bring you back and it's so frustrating to me. Why am I so powerless... WHY. I remember crying during Bridge to Terabithia thinking how sad it must have been for him to lose his best friend, and I was so mad because you talked me into watching it. And here I am. Never watching that did I know how much this would hurt. There is the biggest hole. And although I will always love you. I feel like there is so much lost. There was so much left for you to do. So much for us to do together... I feel like there is no direction to anything now. Why does this all seem to be getting harder as the days go on. As my heart finally catches up with my mind on realizing you won't be calling me back... No recording, no video, no pictures will ever capture the beauty of you. The sound of your voice cracking when you wanted your way and it got too high pitched. The way you smiled with more grace and happiness that anyone who has walked the Earth before you. You are my guardian angel. My saving grace. My everything. I love you for eternity. I miss you baby girl... I have a secret and I'll whisper it to you tonight before I fall asleep. <3 SoLo forever.
"Take the very breath you gave me
Take the heart from my chest
I'll gladly take her place if you'll let me
Make this my last request
Take me out of this world
God, please... dont take the girl"
--Sammimantha
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
One Day and then Another...
Laurennnn,
Hey Baby. I miss you so much. I'm pretty sure you know. I'm with your Mom and Poppy right now. Delilah is curled up next to me. I wish you were here, we could be drinking Starbucks and hooking up the Nintendo. But it won't be as much fun now because I don't get to hear you singing the song when we are in the castle "SIMPSONNSSS THE SIMPSSONNNS THERES BART LISA MAGGIE TOOOOO." haha where in the WORLD did we come up with that. Or whenever the regular song played and it would go "dunuh dun dunuh dun...POW!" and of course if we didn't say the POW it was a curse upon that entire level. We were so weird :). So I wen't to the movies with my brothers and we all had a great time. OH, so yesterday little Geoff punched me in the belly and I lost the ball to my favorite belly button ring : [ the one that reminded you of twilight! grrzz. Your bed is too comfy by the way, I was waiting for Uncle Geoff to come up to say goodnight last night and reading Midnight Sun in the meantime, and after I began a paragraph I woke up to realize I fell asleep halfway through it. At that point I decided to pass out, and I didn't wake up until this morning. PS- it's a lot easier sleeping with 1 doggy than the two, because I know we used to have a lot of trouble before getting trapped between both of them, but Delilah is really no problem to sleep with. Plus she's SO WARM! Zach and Jack are off mowing their lawn. I'm spending a bunch of time with Auntie today, which keeps me sane. [You know what I mean.] I miss you sweetie. Everytime I look at a picture I am overwhelmed. The most pure, amazing, sweet, loving, beautiful, happy, silly, PERFECT person I have ever know, was taken from my life. But I promise you Lauren, everything I am is so much better because of you. When I told you I looked up to you it was the complete and total truth. I keep thinking back to the very last text you sent me. It was the video of me just dancing around your bathroom acting like a complete idiot, but at least it made you smile :). I miss doing your hair, and makeup, getting in your pickup super early so you could get me to work. [LOL @ the one random day there was a million cars and traffic in our way and then it never happened again o.0] I don't know what to say babe. I need you back... I know you are the best place you could ever be, but its so hard waiting for my chance to be with you again. You were the light to my world and now everything is so dim. Everytime we go somewhere I feel like I am seeing a whole new place but its not half as beautiful as it used to be... I will never ever forget you though. That is one thing I know for sure. You are my soul mate. And for the rest of my life, the best thing I can hope is to one day be with you again. I love you best friend, baby girl, ya jerk ;].
"My heart is empty without you
Sometimes I don't know what to do.
And I need you tonight
I'll fall asleep and it's alright.
Close my eyes and I'll be by your side..."
I'll write again soon,
Sammimantha
Hey Baby. I miss you so much. I'm pretty sure you know. I'm with your Mom and Poppy right now. Delilah is curled up next to me. I wish you were here, we could be drinking Starbucks and hooking up the Nintendo. But it won't be as much fun now because I don't get to hear you singing the song when we are in the castle "SIMPSONNSSS THE SIMPSSONNNS THERES BART LISA MAGGIE TOOOOO." haha where in the WORLD did we come up with that. Or whenever the regular song played and it would go "dunuh dun dunuh dun...POW!" and of course if we didn't say the POW it was a curse upon that entire level. We were so weird :). So I wen't to the movies with my brothers and we all had a great time. OH, so yesterday little Geoff punched me in the belly and I lost the ball to my favorite belly button ring : [ the one that reminded you of twilight! grrzz. Your bed is too comfy by the way, I was waiting for Uncle Geoff to come up to say goodnight last night and reading Midnight Sun in the meantime, and after I began a paragraph I woke up to realize I fell asleep halfway through it. At that point I decided to pass out, and I didn't wake up until this morning. PS- it's a lot easier sleeping with 1 doggy than the two, because I know we used to have a lot of trouble before getting trapped between both of them, but Delilah is really no problem to sleep with. Plus she's SO WARM! Zach and Jack are off mowing their lawn. I'm spending a bunch of time with Auntie today, which keeps me sane. [You know what I mean.] I miss you sweetie. Everytime I look at a picture I am overwhelmed. The most pure, amazing, sweet, loving, beautiful, happy, silly, PERFECT person I have ever know, was taken from my life. But I promise you Lauren, everything I am is so much better because of you. When I told you I looked up to you it was the complete and total truth. I keep thinking back to the very last text you sent me. It was the video of me just dancing around your bathroom acting like a complete idiot, but at least it made you smile :). I miss doing your hair, and makeup, getting in your pickup super early so you could get me to work. [LOL @ the one random day there was a million cars and traffic in our way and then it never happened again o.0] I don't know what to say babe. I need you back... I know you are the best place you could ever be, but its so hard waiting for my chance to be with you again. You were the light to my world and now everything is so dim. Everytime we go somewhere I feel like I am seeing a whole new place but its not half as beautiful as it used to be... I will never ever forget you though. That is one thing I know for sure. You are my soul mate. And for the rest of my life, the best thing I can hope is to one day be with you again. I love you best friend, baby girl, ya jerk ;].
"My heart is empty without you
Sometimes I don't know what to do.
And I need you tonight
I'll fall asleep and it's alright.
Close my eyes and I'll be by your side..."
I'll write again soon,
Sammimantha
Sunday, May 24, 2009
The first of many...
Dearest Baby Girl,
So, it has been just over a week. Everything still feels surreal to me. I feel like I am just waiting for you to come over, like you are on some sort of vacation and I just haven't heard from you in a little bit. I feel like its going to get harder as time goes on and I don't get a text or call. One minute I will be watching some television show and then you will just pop into my head, and all I can think about is your face and your beautiful smile. Everything I do reminds me of you. I love you so much. And I miss you. I couldn't say goodbye... just... see ya later. Because that is the only thing in this world I have to hope for now. Is that at some point I will see you again. You will be happy to know my managers are being nice to me [for now] heh. Oh and I need to get my license by the end of summer so I need you to root me on okay. Give me strength, because I am pretty afraid right now. I just read Shafer's blog. It was so beautiful. And made so much sense, especially about the breathing, because honestly I feel like thats so hard to do right now. I'm sorry I couldn't go all the way in during the service. It was just really hard. I felt like I was suffocating, or drowning. Idk. But I hope you liked my dress <3. I miss Auntie. I will probably be going over Tuesday after work. Hopefully its okay. I have the weirdest appetite right now too. One minute everything on Earth sounds GROSS, then the next minute I eat an entire bag of popcorn [no joke...]. Kah-Nee-Tah will be really difficult. I'll make sure to play "Why Can't I" on the way there...and I will tell Aly the entire story of why it was so funny. I told Sawah the other night, she got a good kick out of it. Well... I hate to go, but I should probably shower, I think I am taking my brothers to see Terminator tonight. Sweetie I love you so much, and words can't express how much I miss you. I would give anything to get a text from you again. But you are always in my heart. However broken it may be at this point. You will always be my baby girl. God is lucky to have you. I love you forever and for always.
"And I can't breathe...without you, but I have to breathe...without you."
--Sammimantha
So, it has been just over a week. Everything still feels surreal to me. I feel like I am just waiting for you to come over, like you are on some sort of vacation and I just haven't heard from you in a little bit. I feel like its going to get harder as time goes on and I don't get a text or call. One minute I will be watching some television show and then you will just pop into my head, and all I can think about is your face and your beautiful smile. Everything I do reminds me of you. I love you so much. And I miss you. I couldn't say goodbye... just... see ya later. Because that is the only thing in this world I have to hope for now. Is that at some point I will see you again. You will be happy to know my managers are being nice to me [for now] heh. Oh and I need to get my license by the end of summer so I need you to root me on okay. Give me strength, because I am pretty afraid right now. I just read Shafer's blog. It was so beautiful. And made so much sense, especially about the breathing, because honestly I feel like thats so hard to do right now. I'm sorry I couldn't go all the way in during the service. It was just really hard. I felt like I was suffocating, or drowning. Idk. But I hope you liked my dress <3. I miss Auntie. I will probably be going over Tuesday after work. Hopefully its okay. I have the weirdest appetite right now too. One minute everything on Earth sounds GROSS, then the next minute I eat an entire bag of popcorn [no joke...]. Kah-Nee-Tah will be really difficult. I'll make sure to play "Why Can't I" on the way there...and I will tell Aly the entire story of why it was so funny. I told Sawah the other night, she got a good kick out of it. Well... I hate to go, but I should probably shower, I think I am taking my brothers to see Terminator tonight. Sweetie I love you so much, and words can't express how much I miss you. I would give anything to get a text from you again. But you are always in my heart. However broken it may be at this point. You will always be my baby girl. God is lucky to have you. I love you forever and for always.
"And I can't breathe...without you, but I have to breathe...without you."
--Sammimantha
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